Personal reflections: My responses when difficulties build- giving voice to burdens

This past week have been way to silent on the blog and falter in intentionality.  It seems likely to stem from the pattern that exists of pulling back when things get too tough emotionally. There are a number of things going on and certainly could use prayer for.

1. The ongoing difficulties of wife. The issues with her having wifes that really do not let up continue, then to top it off she picks up some bug.  It pains me to see her suffering. It pains me to see  her suffering reach the point of bringing into question God’s love for her and His willingness to listen.  She is reaching a breaking point and it bothers me to see it and there is nothing I can say or do that can help. 

2.  The week resulted in exposing how to assured of things that I should not be assured.  This involves having important documents stored on a flash drive with already prior experience of the fragility of a flash drive. I had ignored the wisdom of needing to back up and have paid for it. This in spite of already knowing difficulties others have had. So this put me into a real personal funk  with anxiety, uncertainty, and other things.  Now I have found a place that looks like they are capable of restoring data but the anxiety builds none-the-less.

3. Personally have growing frustration over the communication difficulties and hard feelings when theologically disagree with brother and sisters over issues that have no bearing on matters of faith.  Personally have been hurt about things others have said and likely responded in ways that reflect that without really intending to do so. My intent is always to communicate in love, but sometimes things happen or are said that brings out ways of communicating that are hurtful, even to the point of possible severing of relationship, all related to theological perspectives. 

4. Also am aware of lack of steps taken further to move into private practice.  Are there fears or other elements of self getting in the way?  Am I holding back out of lack of faith, protection of self, and fears?  Is it the same dynamics that resulted in my putting off starting the blog for over a year? Fears of putting myself out there as needed in order to network?  Am I waiting, or simply failing to engage?  If holding back from failing to engage why do I do that?

So these difficulties mount and the frustration grows, and so in turn my human natural response is a bit of withdrawal.  It is not looking to God for defense or strength, it is engaging in the human natural.  Personally have a long way to go in my own life in regards to the principles for transcending suffering.  For me resting in God and letting Him work things out in his time is tough. It takes a lot of faith and can see how limited my faith is in all these circumstances.  Now I know in my head that all this leads to greater faith and leads to growing and maturing at a greater level. All I know is right now personally, am tired, hurt, and know the extent of my own limitations and weaknesses.  All I can say and ask here is to pray.  This blog post in away is sharing some burdens that I personally feel and am going through.


12 Responses

  1. Dear Tim:

    I am so sorry, brother. Besides stepping up prayers for you, the only thought that comes to me is that none of the above that you have blogged is unrelated. Step out in faith with your pp. Go fearlessly, you have the right temperament and education, you are a gift to your vocational call. Try to see yourself as a gift in your field, just as He is a gift to us, so we need to be gifts to those around us.

    I don’t know if this is prophetic per se, but I think when you step out in faith it will become clearer what the faith battle is with your beloved and her pain.

    I hate PCs and have found that cheap used Macs running Leopard with automatic backups are the way to go with hard disc drives not flash drives.

    As you know, I have been culled a lot for sounding caustic online, it is a difficult medium to communicate/fellowship through. Try to rent a comedy with your wife, do something light, the spirit of fear that the Lord promises will come over the whole world is encroaching and we must put up boundaries of love and levity; remember we are intimately in His hands no matter what. He never tries us beyond our strength, He is a not a tormentor or trickster, practice going to that place of rest in Him and staying there. You are in His hands, Tim, and so is your family, rest there.

    Read something that was a little too deep and possibly NAR infected today but spoke to me nonetheless. Someone who was also dealing with sickness in the home had a revelation of those daily voices of Fear on us. Here:

    Haven’t tested this guy out, he could be NAR but had my own revelation of the problem of fear lately, that sort of dovetailed with some of that article. I don’t think the solution is seeing the name of demons and casting them out, but rather experiencing and walking in the love of the Lord. It is such a nebulous, vague sounding idea == the love of the Lord — yet it is our only hope for that place of rest. Try Him in this, He will show up in power. Forgive me for posting that article in advance if this guy is NAR. Blessings on you.

  2. P.S. Scratch that post… Jefford’s is NAR and out there. But I did like what he said that there are so many voices that bombard us every day with fear. Read that article with real discernment…

  3. Dear Tim,
    I haven’t visited your blog since the thread re Miriam Franklin. I want to let you know that I will be praying for you. I am a worrier, and have battled fear/anxiety all my life…I know that to worry is sinful in that you cannot worry AND trust at the same time. Someone once told me that if you think of worry and trust as two sides of a coin, when it is tossed in the air it can only land on one side or the other: I find my ‘coin’ lands on it’s side and spins precariously! It has to fall sooner or later.

    I’m not sure what is causing your wife’s suffering but I sympathise. I have had Fibromyalgia for many years, and it is a mammoth struggle! I have been reading ‘The Memorials of Frances Ridley Havergal’, author of ‘Take my life and let it be’. I found an original copy from 1882 in a second hand book store. I have been so blessed by it. It made me realise how much we have lost in these days. How she loved her Lord with simple faith and trust through all her trials.

    Finally, I would appreciate your prayers for my Mum, who having made it through a hard battle with cancer, is now facing it’s possible return, a year later. She has never regained the weight she lost during treatment and so is very frail. She has a scan coming up (no date as yet) for an abdominal lump. She is a spiritual giant and such a support to me and my 5 sisters; I love her with all my heart. I’m trying to be strong in the Lord, but in the middle of the night, after very bad dreams, the fear crept in and took hold.

    Lord God I pray that you will shelter Tim and his family in the shadow of your wing, and may they be filled with the peace which passes all understanding, in Jesus name, Amen.

  4. Dear Tim…….Yes DEAR Tim…….You are a DEAR husband to your beloved wife Liz, you have become a DEAR friend and brother to all who visit this site, and most of all you are a DEAR SON to to our Heavenly Father, who has unquivically promised never to leave you or forsake you.

    We sincerely lift you up at this traumatic time when you are feeling the weight of life pressing in from every side. We ALL remember well those times, with a mixture of grief and joy – grief at the memory of the very real pain such a place brings, and joy at the sweet relief at the end of that pain and the knowledge of the wonderful work that was accompiished THROUGH that pain.

    We continue our fervent prayer for the miracle that Liz needs regarding Hives, that she will be completely set free. For you also Tim, we pray that 1 Peter 5: 10.11 will be your testimony ………and the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal Glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever Amen…

    We don’t underestimate where you are right now and want you to know how much we regard you and THANK YOU for this blog and your insighful posts.
    It is hardly surprising that the enemy is ‘gunning for you’ Tim, as you proclaim the Lordship of Jesus Christ via the internet.

    “Lord Jesus, thank you so very much for the musings of Tim Blake the Peacebringer. I echo the prayers of my sisters AriseMyLove and Elizabeth A, and ask that you shelter Tim and Liz under the shadow of your outstretched wings, and hold beneath them both, your everlasting arms. Wow! What a place to be. Amen.”

  5. Hello Tim
    Like yourselves myself and my Fiancee; as well as other true believers ;have been having trouble with finances. And also wondering where God is in our life situations. Recently in prayer with a friend from across canada on the Phone I heard the Lord saying ‘I will be with you”. It makes me laugh because Lord sometimes it sure doesn’t seem like that. If I am hearing correctly in your situation he is drawing you both nearer to him. You have a tremendous site.
    And you make yourself a target for the enemy as being a witness for Jesus.
    So heavenly father in the name of my savior I ask for the revelation of healing and greater faith to come into this couples life. We ask heavenly father that the enemy remove its hands from their finances. We ask that others donate to this site by receiving a word from the Holy Spirit. We ask for your supernatural present on this site as Jesus. As we are the ‘VOICE FOR YOU” and we do not deny your word so please help us Our Lord and Savior to draw near to you with praise reports as well. We acknowledge that you have conquered the enemy and the world. So help us to take steps of ‘Faith ” to do the same.
    In Jesus name amen. There are many that need this prayer answered including myself thank you Jesus

  6. Tim,
    You know all the struggles I have had because you read my blog… so I do not need to say a lot… however, I wanted you know I do understand where you are coming from. I have always appreciated your encouragement and prayers for me in my struggles…and you have my prayers and encouragement as well…..
    I also understand where your wife is coming from, tell her to not be too hard on herself, she is responding in a normal way to illness and the Father is never shocked when we grow weary and our faith questions… my prayers are with you both….
    Much Love through Christ,

  7. Rmartel, actually finances are not a problem, it is the health and emotional side of things. The starting of a private practice is a move in a direction that would expand things ultimately. It is just tough and still have things to invest in order to network while awaiting insurance credentialing, which takes time. It really is me feeling overwhelmed first with those who suffer around me. It is aware of own falterings as realied on that which was unreliable (blog post on hope in the unreliable will come sometime this week). It is my pulling back when overwhelmed. Thank the Lord that finances are not a concern.

  8. I too have struggles like you shared. Janie got a good report on the scan results but we have been unable to enjoy it much because she now seems to feel sicker than before. I likely is just the virus that seems to be going around but still my mind struggles with the thoughts that it might not be. I am so weary of the battle, as is Janie. We trust she is totally healed and continue to stand in faith and refuse to let the enemy steal the victory – however it is a 24 7 battle that seems endless.

    Praying for you and for Liz.

    Be blessed

  9. One thing I have is a confidence I hear from him (The Lord). I remember when I was told the same night that my step son was going to get into an accident
    It sounded like a taunt from the enemy. So I prayed about it . I was exhaust because I had been doing roofing all day in the hot sun. My step son; I heard the next day was in fact in an accident and paralyzed from the neck down.
    Since then he has recovered somewhat as he can move his arms and hands.
    I remember being warned in a dream what seemed like taken to an accident before it happened that I would be involved in. It was two days before I got hit by a semi-tractor trailer.
    Prior to that I had the thought in Vancouver not to drive there too much ;and expressed that too certain people who did not take me seriously. I told others that they could do the driving as they were from Vancouver and knew the city well .So rather then be firm like I am now I drove and the accident happened.
    But because of the dream I feel I reacted about a1/4 second faster saving all our lives as the semi-tractor trailer broadsided us.
    Prior to that I warned my ex about two accidents not to drive her friend home;
    but she didn’t listen too well.
    There’s much more but lets just leave it at that. The enemy knows who I am I am assured of that. I have been humbled quite a bit . In the last 5 years I have grown in faith. Each church I have gone into I have heard the Lord tell me about that church. This was very hard at first and started in 1989. Sometimes you wonder wether it is better not to hear ;because it seems that no one else ;
    really wants to know why there is no revival happening. Although they talk a different talk.
    I remember in Edmonton Alberta having an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in my Apt. with people coming there feeling the fruit of the Spirit and tasting the fruit of the Spirit; knowing when there would be a rainbow in advance; seeing visions absolutely so clearly.
    Then having even; Pastors that never were interested in me when I went to their church coming over to stop it, and praying against it.: as well as others doing the same. After that then you discern who is the true Body of Christ.
    This was a training process I will never forget. I discovered if someone is stabbing you in the back and calling themselves christian ;they no longer fool me ;because they have not met the true christ; and no doubt do not hear his gentle voice.
    I remember going on a fast for 40 days in Dorchester NB prison. It was a fast that went from vegetables and drink to nothing the last 2 weeks. I was looking for the true God. And wow did I find him, the things I could tell you that happened then; you would not believe. Because when you fast the demons manifest more readily. Imagine praying for someone and telling him the Lord rebukes him and watching bile or puss form around his eyelids; and go thru a pen you are writing with and come out the ball point pen.
    Or being attacked by demons at night time ;givng you the thoughts to commit suicide but hearing the Lord voice saying ‘Those are not your thoughts.”and myself laughing then at that old Devil; understanding how they work against a person which was me.
    Soon after that I was told by the Lord the word “Fredericton” “Fredericton “; “Fredericton” So I asked the Lord if that is you , and you want me to go to
    “Fredericton” then show me visions of people I am going to meet; since he had been showing me visions at that time. And he did.
    I did not have any earthly reason to go to Fredericton . I did not know anyone there before i went.
    I remember leading people to the Lord in Fredericton that were involved in the satanic cult.
    I remember praying for the recently saved to receive the Armour of God Eph 6 and a woman feeling it like a force around them of protection; and two men feeling the weight of it , as or, like they had armor on them, and a sword in their hand.. I remember the Lord way back then giving a prophecy for that church Jer 5:12 and telling me that ‘I desire Love in my church” . they had the gifts in operation but truly lacked in love. I came back to that church from out west 25 years later and I hear ‘I am not here ‘ I have departed from here because of their disobedience. ‘Ichabod” describes it well. Truly today if Jesus came not too many would recognize him.
    Yes I have been chastized in his love with a contrite heart and a broken Spirit..
    I can recall talking to my buddy Joe one day and saying “Boy it sure would be
    nice to lay hands on people and having God heal them.” And I can recall my buddy Joe a true prophet telling me “what woudl happen if you laid hands on someone and they fell dead ;and having that happen in a church ;that same evening.
    I also remember working in a oil tool factory and seeing a demon with a club foot as i was lowering a long pipe onto a rack. This was done with an over head crane. I seen in vision the pipe roll off the rack , and seen a demon next to me with the club foot. it want me to have a foot like it. Just then the pipe rolled off the rack. These younger workers in their 20’s watch and laughed at how fast I jumped. I told them their was demon that wanted someone to loose their foot . Of course like usual you know what they thought of me. The book of Hosea describes it quite well The Prophet is consider a madman and the inspired man a maniac. Less then a month later a drill collar rolled on someone’s foot off a truck and they lost their toes. this happened before my eyes and I carried that man out of the shop and laid him on a picnic table ; while every one was panicking.
    After saying all this to you Tim you are right on track Psalms 27 is good to read for confidence in the Lord. The Lord is drawing you both closer to him as he told me ;but in the flesh sometimes it sure doesn’t feel like it . But thats the truth. I run my own roofing business which I did quite well at out west but not so well here. But I have met my fiance and boy she’s got some stories as well. I have moved back to Fredericton NB. But now I might have to go work out west for 5 months or so. Oh well. I go door to door to hand out cards this works best for contacts. But sometimes I have to force myself to do it like planting seeds. I seem to spend more time asking people if they are christians
    but no wonder. So now I have told you the tip of the iceberg. God bless will continue to hear from the Lord for you and pray what he tells me.

  10. When the Lord was showing about some of my emotions I did not like; meaning he was pushing the buttons via people or situations to cause these feelings to come to the surface. I finally said:” Lord is that you bringing these emotions to the surface to deal with them?” I remained still submitting to him and allowed him to dig deeper until he hit the spiritual ones. It was like someone drilling a
    well. he wanted me to feel his :Perfect Love that casts out all fear” His “Peace that surpasses all understanding” His “Joy that is our strength”. I would ask him to send his Holy Righteous fire to consume me ; knowing full well it would only burn up those things that are not from him.Hence leaving more of him.
    The situation is like with Shedrach Meshach and Abnego ( Sorry about spelling ) in Daniel

  11. Hello Tim, you & Liz are deeply in my prayers. I hope you got the e-mail I sent. I hope at least some of what I tried to say did some good… It seems lately I have been hurting my friends, but i am also learning a lot.

    Many many have been hit hard by all sorts of trouble. It is good that so many are praying for you and Liz both. A lot of people prayed for me this weekend, to great effect! Blood pressure down and recovering. God moved someone to stand up for me, supervisor who hurt me so has been declawed (saw him this morning, he was obviously restrained) There might be a restoration at RR later this week; a member contacted me, and healing began.

    I guess Christianity is supposed to be this way. Its the long wait for answered prayer, and the incredible struggles that make the answers to prayer so stunning, even miraculous. Hang in there, OK, it must be your turn real soon.

  12. Tim,

    I am praying for you. Some big decision to make and lot’s of prayer for your wife.

    My wife has been in a health battle since 1994. She was close to going home to be with the Lord when finally the doctors listened and took care of the problem. But all of the time that it took drove her into a chemicle unbalance and was eventually diagnosed with indoginous depression. We moved out of California to Oregon and things just kept coming. Eventually she ended up in the hospital and with much help she now has her depression under control (mostly) but then was diagnosed with breast cancer eventually leading to a double masectomy. On and on it goes, but …

    I truely believe that because I prayed without ceasing (I am not saying I didn’t get weary) I have seen the hand of the Lord bring her to a greater level of thankfulness, using her trials, sufferings, etc. as a testamony to the goodness of God in her life even in the misdt of it all. Her hope lies in the Lord and in no one or no thing, other than her Savior and Lord.

    You believe in the same Jesus/God and I KNOW that He will continue to bring both of you through the fire until you are “refined as gold”.

    As far as the PP. I went through a career change myself not to long ago (7 years now) and I waited upon the Lord until it was the RIGHT TIME. It couldn’t have worked out better. I believe that as you wait on Him, get whatever fears set to the side, seek His kingdom first and you will know the righ timeing in moving forward.

    Bless you brother. Praying for you.
    Tim H

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